For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be an extrovert. Someone who had a tall, confident posture, a permanent smile on their face, and could just talk to anyone they wanted to with little to no effort. Even as early as elementary school, I was envious of those people. They were never told to speak up in class, because their voices were loud and clear, saying anything they had on their minds without a care in the world. They were never left with legitimate fear after the teacher told the class to get into pairs.
As the years passed by, I realized what I really wanted was confidence; not necessarily to be more extroverted.
I believe that there is potential for confidence in every single person. But people express it differently, whether you are more extroverted or introverted. The polarization between extroversion and introversion has altered the way confidence has been viewed, especially with being successful. Confidence isn’t a one-size-fits-all, despite what society has created as the norm.
It feels like everyone in my life over the years has said that I should be more confident. But they word it strangely, like it’s a compliment: “Your personality is so interesting, more people would want to be your friend if you were more confident,” or “What you wrote in your essay about this topic was spectacular, if only you were more confident and said exactly what you wrote, you could add so much more to our class discussions!”
However, it seems like there’s some type of “prerequisite” to being confident that I apparently do not possess a lot of. Particularly being loud, outgoing, and sociable. Without that, I’m, definitely, 100% not confident, right? Kara Sullivan, an English teacher at ORHS and the debate team advisor agrees that the meaning behind confidence has been overtaken by the extrovert standard: those who get energy from other people are supposed to be confident, and those who get it from solitude are supposed to be all meek and shy, having a fraction of the confidence that extroverts possess.
This is far from the truth. Sullivan sees on the debate team that there are people who are more reserved but have this undeniable confidence that makes them just stand out, other times more than their outgoing peers. She states, “There are a lot of [reserved] people who are like that because they’re able to grasp…and support the arguments well, but they don’t talk a lot otherwise so they kind of sit back. They observe a lot and then when it’s important for them to speak during the debates, they do, and people really respect that…” When people picture a typical debater, they may see them as extremely talkative and bold. But someone who doesn’t embody those traits and could be the complete opposite, can still run a debate just as well.
When I think of my desire to be extroverted, what sits at the core of it is success. I wanted to succeed in being well-liked, advocating for opportunities that I truly wanted. I thought that introverts couldn’t do any of those things, that I had to change to be successful.
Both Sullivan and I are (diehard) fans of a book called, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. In the book, Cain explores the depths of introverts being underestimated in our society, one that focuses much on achieving material, tangible success. Introverts are known for focusing on success internally, sticking to their own logic and feelings rather than bouncing them off to other people.
You can see how this can become an issue when so much of American work and school culture is built off teamwork. Group projects are so common and respected in the workforce, compared to working alone which is often ostracized. If some introverts are pushed into teamwork and are counted on to be as sociable and verbally expressive like their peers and they just can’t…they may think something is wrong with them. They would want to change all in the name of success.
I remember one teacher I had in middle school. When showing up for extra practice one day, I asked a question in my softspoken tone. He replied, his voice loud and almost taunting, “Oh, she speaks, finally!” Some of my classmates laughed and the others gave me pitiful glances. I felt my face turn red and was on the verge of tears. This wasn’t the first time, and it wasn’t the last when he made those comments.
After that, I tried to prove to him and the other people around me, that I wasn’t quiet or weak. I hoped, I prayed every single night that I would wake up tomorrow morning and somehow transform into this new, shining self that could be as easygoing and loud as I wanted to. That I could finally be the leader with all my brand new, sparkling ideas that I was not afraid to say, instead of a follower that had the worst people-pleasing tendencies.
A chapter of Cain’s book is focused on charismatic confidence through leadership. Results from an experiment between one introverted and extroverted leader per category leading a t-shirt folding team was mentioned as one of the key parts of the chapter. It was shown that, “…the team members reported perceiving the introverted leaders as more open and receptive to their ideas, which motivated them to work harder…” (Cain, 57).
The experiment results showed that the introverted leaders had outperformed the number of shirts folded by 24% compared to the more extroverted leaders. We could say that both leaders had an equal amount of confidence. However, the ones that were more passive were more self-assured. They had faith in their ability to lead and guide and welcomed input from their team, not worrying whether the new ideas were going to overtake theirs.
Although I have been focusing on introverts and how they can be just as confident as extroverts, this can be the same vice versa. Those who get their energy from other people aren’t always the most confident in the room and it can be damaging to think so (especially as an introvert).
Paige Haug (’25) is an extrovert by nature, but she doesn’t feel confident 100% of the time like she’s “supposed” to be. She states, “…I just have to fake it until I make it and…it works.” Although Haug is not always 100% confident, she says that if you think you look and feel good, others will think you look and feel good. It’s all a state of mind for her and less like a lifestyle.
Even people who have the most visible and tangible confidence have some moments where they aren’t at their best, particularly when anxious thoughts get to them. Sullivan has taught many students who she knows have that confidence deep inside them but anticipate too much before jumping into a discussion or debate.
She says, “I just see in a lot of students that…the anxiety beats them too much and…recognizing that the anxiety…will always be there…it’s a way of figuring out how you can manage that anxiety…” Although many people may feel held back or trapped by their anxious thoughts, it is still possible to work through them, rather than eliminate them completely to feel confident.
Looking back at my childhood, I’ve spent a lot of time groveling in jealousy about the people who looked and talked visibly more confident than me. And it didn’t help that the pressure to be like them was added on by adults around me.
It was not until last year that I was able to take a step back and recollect. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone; if I feel confident, I am confident. Being able to love myself and trust that I know what’s best for me the most powerful thing has been I’ve ever done for myself, even if it’s a lifelong process.
And all it took was just a little confidence.
– Hannah Klarov
Mouth of the River 
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