By Dillon Mulhern

Your hands get clammy, your knees turn to jelly. You stare at your potential prom date from across the Bobcat Bistro as they wolf down a delicious soft taco. You struggle to make casual conversation, much less ask your would be date to a night of allure and luxury. Have no fear, MOR is here, with tips on how to ask someone to prom.

Scare Them

“The best way to prompose, is to scare them. Think Halloween on steroids. The more mask and makeup the better. Incorporate fake blood,” said Austin Huntley, a UNH student that scored a hot date at his prom by using dark magic and witchcraft.

 

Ask People who have a date

It shows dominance, and they already said yes once.

 

Get as many as possible

Choose a general name and make a sign. Lydia, Elizabeth and Owen are your best bets. This way you can reuse the sign. If you decide use gifts or flowers make sure to get them back.

 

Write an article about Promposals

Mr. Kelly will you go to prom with me?

 

Teachers aren’t off limits

Everyone needs a date. And Love. (Mr. Milliken is still available don’t tell Madame.)

 

Ask them at Prom

I mean they’re already there. With you.

 

Catfish them

“You’re gonna need a good picture. I usually use a headshot of young Brad Pitt. From there you build the ideal man. Like any good catfish you need to build trust slowly. Once they show vulnerability you strike,” said Brian Stevens, an experienced internet troll and catfisher.

 

Actually give them a catfish

It shows you can provide for them.

 

Family is still an option

Kill two birds with one stone by hanging with your grandma at prom. She already has a dress, given the last time she wore it was at the end of the Confederacy.

 

Snapchat

“Snapchat is a tool of a true romantic. That 6 second pic is all i needed to say yes,” said Aliyah Murphy (‘18). Storying it will accumulate a sufficient pool.

 

Make a date

Mop head for hair, and a stolen mannequin is already dressed to impress.

 

Steal your friend’s identity

Your friend’s taking your crush to prom. The solution, steal their identity. Plastic surgery is a necessary investment, just like a limo.

 

Bring your dog

Man’s best friend is also man’s best date.

 

Ask a Freshman

“Saying no isn’t really an option, and hey it’s a free ride to prom,” said Juliana Caldicott.

 

Kidnap them

They’ll be at prom before they realized what happened.

 

Inception them

Creep into their room every night and whisper in their ear to gradually implant the idea

 

Bring a friend

Your best friend will look great in dress. Even if he is on the lacrosse team.

 

Ask an upperclassman

If you’re a freshman or sophomore pull a power move. “So what if she’s dating the hockey captain,” said Nate Moore (‘18).

 

Craigslist

$10-15 an hour is a modest rate.

 

What to do if they say no

Sometimes you and your crush aren’t on the same page. Maybe her boyfriend didn’t appreciate you asking her repetively. Or Mr. Kerney didn’t appreciate you writing ‘Prom?’ instead of the factoring a quadratic on your math test. You’ve got a couple options.

 

Fake your death

Haunt them until they wish they said yes, then miraculously resurrect.

 

Go with your friends

Messing around with your friends can be far more friends then awkwardly slow dancing to Cupid shuffle with someone you barely.

 

Whatever you decided to do, make sure to be nice, creative and cute. People will usually feel awkward saying no if it’s heartfelt.